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The Nursery
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The Nursery

The embarrassment is a feeling that, some more and some less, a little ‘we are all led to try at least once in life. However, there is a small and misunderstood group of unrepentant The Favourite subjects who, for reason quite unknown, seem completely immune to such a form of self-criticism. Among them stand out certainly Christopher A. Micklos and Jay Sapiro, a couple of filmmakers on Sunday ready to debut (poor us!) With something that even define films – and even more horror – seems at least a sonorous blasphemy, date the desolate amatoriality and the absolute narrative insulmoniousness that oozes copious from every single frame of this (literally) unwatchable The Nursery, becera rereading low, low, but low calling budget from a stranger, made with the butcher’s offal, and filled with embarrassing grafts to The Ring version of the Salvation Army. If you solemnly promise not to laugh, here we are going to illustrate the plot – plot ??! Come on, something that at least resembles him – of this phantom The Nursery, alerting for time that the slimy and disgusting feeling of déjà vu is absolutely normal. So: the beautiful and young Ranae (Madeline Conway) is to accept the role of babysitter (remember? You promised not to laugh!) In a family with a somewhat tragic and obscure past.

Left alone in the big house with the baby to watch (then !!! I told you not to laugh!), The maiden begins to see and hear strange things (then !!! The finite ?? !!), disturbing events that come perceived Eternal Winter and lived also by the group of friends (Emmaline Friederichs, Carly Rae James Sauer, Claudio Parrone Jr. and Nadia P. Horner) arrived on the spot to give themselves to the mad joy in the absence of the landlords. Soon there will be the usual ghostly mattanza to sound of ultramundane vocals, mobile phones crazy and many, many, but just so many jumpscare oratorio battista. I note with great surprise that you have not been able to take The Nursery properly. And you did well, dear friends, because it is something that, at the very least, should be insulted even for the fact of existing, as authentic disfigurement to everything that moves at twenty-four frames per second. Using the scary sounds preset in the audio library of Apple (and here you can already understand that unhealthy air pulls!) And promoting a real occult and fetishistic advertising to every possible technological object baked by the company of Cupertino, the film – come on, we make the effort to call it just for a moment! – does not seem to have anything sufficiently worthy to be remembered, except perhaps some insistent scenes of petting objectively out of place (just to lengthen the broth and revive a bit ‘flavor), in addition to some sporadic appearance of a Sadako of Trastevere with much of scorched hands, white anti-sex pajamas (but are they always sleeping ‘ghosts?) and blackish wig smashed on the face, definitely recycled by some flea market in the suburbs.

Overwhelming about acting (but why, acting?) From life to prison and ignoring for pity the more than just frontal attack to a cosmetic package from a film of the holidays, The Nursery would do better Frat Pack to remain crouched in the warmth in the damp and smelly the deepest anonymity den from which it comes and in which it is destined to remain, immobile still and without the risk of bringing out the very least flap of skin, heartened by the fact that, until a few more (at least for the moment) they had the misfortune to see it, at least if it can continue to fable like a mythological object never landed on planet Earth. And so it would be better if all this remained!

Duration: 87 min


IMDb: 2.8

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